9 ways my life would have been better with sex education
Plus 2 easy ways to make the future better for kids
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My creative trajectory since leaving academia may seem winding, but the unifying thread involves using my voice to help people—whether that’s guiding towards resources, breaking down stigma, translating scientific Martian speak into everyday language, or illuminating agency and joy in life through small actions. Growing up in a chaotic Korean patriarchal household—where I had neither agency nor voice—is part of what drives me.
One area in which my history, professional mission, and parenting interests intersect is sex education. Like many people around my age, I received very little sex education at school and none at home. The lack of knowledge led to general cluelessness, some terrible choices, and dangerous predicaments in the face of sexual predators and abusive relationships.
We need to—and can—do better.
To drive home my point, I thought it would be useful to share 9 ways my life would have been better had I been privy to comprehensive, sex positive, shame-free sex education. These examples only scratch the surface, but they will give you a flavor for what’s possible when we give kids the information they need and deserve.
#1 (Menstruation)
When I got my period in middle school (on the bus while I was on the way to a friend’s house) I wouldn’t have been: A) unprepared (kids who are on the puberty runway should be educated and equipped with supplies); B) embarrassed to ask for supplies when I got to my friend’s house. Menstruation is a basic biological function. All kids deserve to learn about it, and it should not be a source of embarrassment.
#2 (Sexual predators, part 1)
When a teacher sexually harassed me in middle school when I helped him outside of school hours on a project, I would have reported him and asked for help. Instead, I was embarrassed and didn’t want to bring unwanted attention to my family. So, I stayed silent and kept reporting for duty, trying to fend off his grossness until I got to the end of the school year.
#3 (Porn)
When I came across porn in magazine and video form, I would have known that those images were not representative of actual relationships and sexual interactions.
#4 (Consent, healthy relationships)
When boys in middle and high school pushed me in situations centered on their pleasure and purpose, I would have known that I had the right to not consent to what was happening and would also have had the presence of mind to tell them to fucking do better as human beings.
#5 (Sexual predators, part 2)
When another teacher sexually harassed me, this time during a summer SAT prep class, I would have reported it and viewed this and the middle school incident for what they were—two predators who identified me as a target and took advantage of the power imbalance. Instead, I saw the pattern as my blame and shame to bear. I didn’t tell my mother about these incidents until I was in my late 30s and I didn’t talk about it online until #MeToo, at which point I did so during a Facebook Live—because, hell, go big or go home when it comes to stigma busting.
By the way, that vulnerability was a necessary part of healing. Through the generosity and kindness expressed by viewers both publicly and in private messages, I finally realized that the onus for these incidents was on the sexual predators, not me.
#6 (Sexuality, identity)
When someone close to me came out as gay, instead of asking dumb questions such as, “Are you sure?” I would have started with, “Thank you for trusting me. How can I support you?”
#7 (Sex, pregnancy prevention, STDs, healthy relationships)
When I had sex for the first time, I would have said, “HARD NO, ASSHOLE” when the person told me that he didn’t need to use a condom because he had been in a horse racing accident that left him infertile. Not only was that dick move indicative of his respect for me, but I also did not know anything about STDs, which is unfathomable for a 17-year-old in this day and age.
#8 (Healthy relationships, respect, self-advocacy)
When my relationship with the person in #7 quickly escalated to being abusive, I would have used any number of incidents along the way to report him to the police and get the hell out, instead of staying in the relationship for three years.
#9 (Reproduction)
When I was ready to become a parent, the desire to get pregnant wouldn’t have been my first touchpoint to learn about ovulation and how menstrual cycles are connected to pregnancy. #facepalm
As is evident, I have serious reasons for why I refuse to perpetuate the cycle of silence and shame around sex education, and I am committed to helping others along the way because I know how tough these conversations can be when you have no model for it yourself. As the wonderful Melissa Pintor Carnagey said in this episode on how to have sex positive conversations at home:
“We didn’t come into this world with the stigma and shame. This is something we have absorbed, which means we can find pathways to unlearn, and try to minimize carrying stigma and shame forward to the next generation.”
And also, we need better—comprehensive, inclusive—sex education in school. This conversation on what to look for in a school sex ed curriculum with the incredible
is so welcoming and compassionate.Finally, because I am all about finding agency and moving forward, I want to leave you with two super simple, actionable tips—one related to sex education at home, and one for advocating for better sex education at school.
AT HOME: Use anatomical—not cutesy—words to describe body parts. There is no shame in words like penis, vulva, vagina, etc. And here’s a sobering reality: Sexual predators use cutesy body part word usage as a clue; it conveys shame and silence at home, and signals a potential target.
AT SCHOOL: Advocate for single-class sex ed. There is no reason for kids to be separated by gender for sex ed and gendered sex education classes are not inclusive. As Dr. Rachael Gibson said in our conversation:
“When we separate sex ed by gender and take things behind closed doors, all you’re doing is creating more secrecy, myths, and trauma. When we talk about it together, it reduces the stigma and shame and includes all of our kids.”
We can do better. I believe in our capacity to do so.
I grew up in New Jersey, where four years of Phys Ed is required to graduate from high school. One good thing about that was that I had four years of health, including two years of sex ed. Sophomore year it was split up by sex and mostly about anatomy (male and female! there were lots of jokes about how well we did or didn't do on the penis diagram test) and senior year it was co-ed with a HUGE focus of AIDS and other STIs and pregnancy. Since it was the late 90's, we watched Philadelphia and ....And the Band Played On. I was grateful for the classes, even though senior year was a little too little too late for lots of us. Way too many "Ohhhhhh so that's what that is....." faces.
I love Bonnie J Rough's Beyond the Birds and the Bees. Did I learn about that from Edit Your Life? I can't remember but it's a great one that I like to share with anyone who brings up the topic of sex ed around me.
Love this! I never thought about single sex class education but of course that would make sense! Everybody with a body should know about menstruation 🤦🏼♀️