Fostering a strong home base + trusted relationships
How to create safety and nurture independence in a noisy, achievement-driven world
The first blogger media trip I attended was notable for a few reasons. First, I believe it was one of the first mom blogger media trips (circa 2007). Second, this trip wasn’t at a nondescript location for a little known brand—the event was at/for Walt Disney World. And third, the trip represented my first time meeting other bloggers in real life, and among that small group of women was
.Gabby Blair is charming and unassuming. During the Disney trip I sat next to her at a meal and when I mentioned that I did some design work (in addition to my blog Boston Mamas I had started an independent digital and print design company—Posh Peacock—but was not traditionally trained), she cheerfully said, “Oh, me too!” But she downplayed it and didn’t point out that she was an actual former art director and the creative force behind an already big deal blog (Design Mom).
For the record, I love when people lead with humility.
Over the past 18 years, Gabby has remained one of my favorite people in real life and on the internet. Her creative approach, strong voice, and ethics are a source of continued inspiration. In my opinion, she is the gold standard in terms of both content creation and being a human, and at various points when I have wondered about how I could improve at x, y, or z, I have thought, “How would Gabby approach this?” Gabby and I have also delighted in a lot of personal/professional intersections; we have spent time together at conferences, I interviewed her during her book tour stops in Boston, and we traveled to Ethiopia together for ONE Moms. (And because Gabby is Gabby, she somehow knew it would be my birthday while we were in Ethiopia and brought birthday macarons for me—from France.)
Gabby is also bold; she is not a person who will ever be put in a box. And while yes, she is a renowned force in the design world—Joanna Gaines herself credits Gabby for her success—last year Gabby wrote, Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion. And last week her new book co-authored with her husband Ben—The Kids Are All Right: Parenting with Confidence in an Uncertain World—was released. I was so delighted to talk to Ben and Gabby about this fantastic new book and I hope you will give the conversation a listen. It is replete with wisdom and humility.
Now, speaking of boldness, during our conversation I asked about fostering independence in kids. Gabby said:
“What fosters our kids’ independence also has fostered my own independence and willingness to try things. And I think one key thing that allows people to try something new, do something different, and be independent is to have a home base and a safety net. If you can provide your kids with a home base and safety net, that's a big, big deal.”
This comment of course made me think about the educational work I have done re: creating safe home bases for kids in service of preventing adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), but there was another layer to this thread. Gabby shared that sometimes when she writes boldly about something, people will tell her she is brave. She noted that she is always quick to say that she is glad the person appreciated her perspective but that she doesn’t need the bravery compliment.
Why? Because the act of using her voice does not feel brave because she knows her husband is not going to reject her for things she writes. Because she knows that her siblings, parents, neighborhood, and community are her home base no matter what. She reflected with gratitude on the fact that her strong home base and secure relationships allow her to say things that not everyone has the ability to say, and try projects that not everyone has the ability to try.
This comment made me think about the extraordinary gift unconditional care and support is, and how both kids and adults need these gifts to thrive. What makes me hopeful is that I believe we all have the capacity to create unconditional care and support in our ecosystems—not just in the parenting realm, but also for other loved ones for whom we can reflect back the best, shining version of themselves. It just may take some unlearning, noticing, self-reflection, and a commitment to going against the tide at times.
To that effect, and with great humility regarding my own (sometimes rocky) communication journey, I want to share a few top of mind recommendations for how we can show up for our loved ones—be it kids, partners, friends—and create strong home bases and secure relationships.
1. Lead with unconditional care
“I love you no matter what” may seem like a simplistic concept, but to me, if you have a meaningful relationship with someone, leading with unconditional care and compassion is crucial. As a parent I think one of the key things that has helped me foster a sense of stability and safety for my kids is that they know my love comes first—that I have zero interest in judging them, evaluating them based on metrics of any kind, or forcing them to fit any kind of achievement-driven expectations. I want them to know that it’s who they are that I care about most, not what they accomplish.
2. Shut off your “outer critic,” especially if you tend to be critical or a problem solver
Julia Cameron is known for her recommendation to turn off the inner critic (as a barrier to writing). Similarly, I think there is something to be said for shutting off the “outer critic” (as a barrier to relationship growth), especially when someone you care about comes to you in a place of vulnerability. At a basic level, I feel like this is where the power of focusing on active listening and also pausing before speaking comes in, particularly if you are someone who tends to be critical or identifies as a problem solver. I am definitely a problem solver by nature and in my consulting and podcasting work people turn to me to solve problems all day long. So in vulnerable conversations I am intentional about shutting off my troubleshooting brain and simply being there to listen and be a safe space, unless the person asks me otherwise.
3. Stand by your loved ones in duress
We all make mistakes. Among my most disheartening and confusing times have been when I thought I had solid, meaningful relationships with people and they pushed the eject button on the relationship in the face of duress. Though I acknowledge my limitations and stumbles in these situations, it took time for me to fully grasp that part of why those people abandoned me is because the relationship foundations were not as solid as I thought. I can say with certainty that when people do things you don’t agree with or understand, if those relationships have a strong foundation, it is possible to tell the person that you are on their side no matter what, even if you don’t understand or agree with how things played out.
4. Encourage mistakes and imperfection as part of the process
As a young person I was told that I was less than because of what I couldn’t do, and also was minimized through emotional and physical abuse when I made mistakes or did things “wrong.” As a result, in my late teens/early 20s I grew rigid, both in how I approached my life and my relationships. Thanks to the safety and care of my marriage, I have spent the last 25 years of my life unwinding trauma and also learning how life is much richer and more creative when you experiment, embrace mistakes, troubleshoot, and evolve. One of my happiest roles now is as a cheerleader to my loved ones—not only encouraging what they are experimenting with, but also communicating that mistakes and imperfection are part of the process and to not hold back and overthink in the realm of what fulfills them.
5. Lean in to small moments of joy and content
The foundation of everything I do these days is anchored to finding small moments of joy and content, and when I think back to periods of chaos and distress in my life, small positive touchpoints were miraculous buoys that helped me find moments where my nervous system could rest and I could feel safe, however briefly. When I think about the home environment my family co-creates, it is one grounded in so many small, seemingly ordinary moments of joy and content that have stacked up to convey that this is a space where you can be your full and complicated self, where your ideas matter, and where people have your back no matter what. I am so grateful to feel safe and supported each and every day.
Bottom line: We all deserve strong home bases and secure relationships. It takes work to build this foundation and I would imagine many of us have historical struggles that make this journey difficult. If that is the case, I hope you will give your younger self grace and look towards what is possible moving forward. I am rooting for you with my whole heart.
Meanwhile, thinking about Gabby as I was writing this post made me so happy and grateful. I pulled up a few photographs to share.
