Let's talk about compassion and equitable intimacy
Let's talk about compassion and equitable intimacy
There is pretty much everything to gain and nothing to lose
I first had sex when I was 17 years old. It was unprotected.
I know.
I did ask about protection but lacked the confidence and basic knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases to insist on a condom. Because like many people, I received next to nothing in terms of sex ed in school. And actually nothing in terms of sex ed at home.
The person I had sex with, on the other hand, was more than twice my age.
I know.
He told me that he didn’t need to use a condom because it wasn’t possible for me to get pregnant due to a horse riding accident that left him infertile.
I know.
The story of this person—who tortured me via an abusive relationship for three years and then, after I broke things off, insisted on continuing the relationship via intermittent stalking for over a decade—will perhaps be shared at another time, but the point I am making here is that he did not ejaculate responsibly.
He was a grown adult who took advantage of a vulnerable teenager. I was lucky to make it out of that trauma storm alive, not pregnant, and disease free.
This experience is just one of many reasons why I am invested in everyday sex education for my kids; the open and honest casual conversations and quick touchpoints that have made it clear that we can talk about anything, without shame or judgment.
For example, after discovering the words “labia,” “labial,” and ‘bilabial” in the New York Times Spelling Bee and delighting over it with my kids, looking for sex ed type words now is a fun pastime. Cue squeals of delight when “vagina” was in the Spelling Bee the next day!
I am all about joy in the small moments.
And speaking of joy and related to my opening story, last week I had the joy and honor of being the conversation partner for Gabrielle Blair’s book tour visit to Boston to promote Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think about Abortion.
If you are a person with a penis, a person who has sex with a person with a penis, or a person who doesn’t interact with penises but is fed up with the patriarchy and its impact on reproductive rights and access, then you need to read the book. And share this book. And talk about this book. And take an action towards equitable intimacy.
Ejaculate Responsibly is a New York Times bestseller and you can read it in one sitting; in concise, decisive fashion, it presents 28 reasons for why the responsibility and burden of preventing unwanted pregnancies needs to be shifted to men. The book is compelling, loaded with undeniable physiological realities and insightful social commentary.
I opened my interview by asking Gabrielle about the basic human values that she feels encompass the heart and mission of her book. Why? Because I think one of the most effective ways to enter into a tough conversation is to lead with values—to try to foster a conversation grounded in compassion instead of combativeness.
She noted equity and education as key values. Indeed, we are long overdue on unwinding the absurd differential that exists for those who bear the responsibility of carrying a pregnancy and those who do not. And we have right in front of us—in education—an effective way to help people learn what is at stake and how to tackle it.
I also asked Gabrielle about the relational upshot of this education; how could intimate relationships be improved by having open, equity-focused conversations about responsible ejaculation? How can we help those who ejaculate see the amazing benefits of doing it responsibly?
We discussed many possibilities that ultimately distilled in my mind to one thing, especially when I think back to 17-year-old disempowered, terrified Christine putting her faith and her future in the hands of someone who clearly didn’t care about her: COMPASSION.
Envision these possibilities, anchored in compassion:
How loved would your partner feel if they knew that you truly considered and understood the enormous responsibility of carrying a baby and wanted to take an active role in preventing unwanted pregnancies?
How much relief would your partner feel if you showed that you wanted to alleviate the burden and worry around the potential for an unwanted pregnancy every time you got between the sheets?
How much delight would you and your partner feel in the anticipation and act of sex if both people valued—and acted on—equity?
How much agency and pride would you feel if you could look towards the beauty of opportunity in teaching your kids sex ed—openly, honestly, and without shame?
How much stronger would your bond together as parents be if you could model what respectful, equitable, loving relationships looked like?
How substantial could your generational impact be if you took actions now that could ripple forward with definitive power long after you are dust and dreams?
There is pretty much everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Have a conversation today.
Endnotes
I was so touched that several people approached me during the book signing to compliment my interviewing skills and to say they had never seen someone issue questions in that way that I did. I love being in conversation with people and drawing out stories and new angles is my favorite.
If you are looking for a way to begin your open and honest sex ed conversations with your kids, check out my new Mini Edit episode on essential sex ed conversations. You can use the tactics in this super short episode as soon as kids are verbal and they have nothing to do with actual sex. Seriously!
Gabrielle’s husband Ben Blair—who has listened to every single interview Gabrielle has done—said that this interview on reframing the abortion narrative is the best he’s heard. Thanks, Ben Blair! By the way, I admire so much how Gabrielle and Ben show up for one another in their relationship and as parents.
Gabrielle and I go way back (we met at what I believe was the first-ever blogger junket in 2007) and she among the world’s most thoughtful people; the kind of person who brings gifts across continents even though she is tight on luggage space. It was so wonderful to grab a bite and catch up after her (sold out!) book event. I love and appreciate you, Gabby. Thank you for changing and saving lives, human narratives, and conversations through your work.
An Announcement!
Sometimes good ideas emerge during shitty times.
The past several weeks have been ROUGH. And in the face of deep overwhelm, anger, frustration, exhaustion, and [insert negative valence emotion du jour from the feelings chart in my office…see below] I started working on grounding myself in reality and countering my catastrophizing with a daily mantras practice.
It has been extraordinarily helpful. At some level, I think I started it as a hail Mary kind of thing but it has legit changed my ability to cope during the day.
Each morning—early, before I have time to overthink my feelings—I make up and type a new mantra (or pick from my existing list) at the top of my digital planning document. I center and highlight the mantra and refer to it as a grounding touch point through the day.
I told a friend about a couple of my mantras and they freaked out—in a good way—which made me realize that these would be very helpful to share. And given that I also have been wondering about something special to offer to my paid subscribers, I decided that a mantras series would be a great start. I will begin sharing this mantras series soon—including a companion digital graphic gift—to my paid membership this month. So, if you are interested, sign up or upgrade if you are not already a paid subscriber. And thank you for supporting my creative work; I deeply appreciate it.
Very relatable. I think I'm 20 years, or so, older, but definitely relatable. My parents were instrumental in me dating a 22 year old GI the summer when i was 17. My parents. It felt weird and icky, and I ended it at the end of summer. Kudos to the guy, though, for not forcing me further than I was willing to go. That 5 year age spread was significant at that time of my life. Still enraged at my parents for promoting that (with the obvious vital being marriage/ pregnancies, etc). I taught my children sex Ed from the get go. No ridiculous euphemisms. And that no meant no, nor mashed, not yes. And, since it was the ETA of the AIDs epidemic, the necessity of protection/ safe sex.