On following
On following
The life-changing magic of raising a child to adulthood
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I don’t care much about Hallmark-type holidays. On Mother’s Day, for example, I don’t expect to be treated like a queen. Shit still needs to get done, and I would prefer to be treated with small doses of kindness every day instead of a blast of loving acts one day and nothing the next.
So on this past Mother’s Day, it didn’t bother me at all that I had a significant errand on the books. After a cup of coffee and some morning snuggles with Violet, I drove to New York in advance of Laurel’s college move out, a bit in awe of life.
The calendar doesn’t lie, but how was it possible that we were almost done with freshman year?
I’m alone almost never and I had 3 hours and 20’ish minutes to myself in the car with my podcast playlist loaded—a distinct treat.
Arriving on campus filled me with delight and also some nostalgia about my previous dream of becoming a college professor.
I arrived on campus while Laurel was completing her EMT practical final exam. As I sat outside her building, I marveled over her year of training to learn how to help save lives.
And the culminating sense of awe came in the many moments over the next 24 hours where I issued these pivotal words: “You lead. I’ll follow.”
Parenting involves a steady drumbeat of leadership, even when you might not feel certain of how to lead. At a basic functional level, this can mean everything from teaching kids the route to school, to how to put away their laundry and unpack their backpack, to the importance of saying thank you.
At a more abstract, long-game level, leadership means modeling on repeat. It can feel like an immense responsibility whose impact is difficult to quantify in the immediate—for example, talking to kids about identifying and staying true to your values, figuring out the differences between a good vs. toxic friend and how to show up as an ethical person, or conveying the importance of embracing imperfection and failure in a culture of achievement.
It can be a lot.
Part of my work over this past year has involved trusting in my 18 years of in-person parental leadership—good, bad, and ugly. It’s a strange thing to hold the intricacies of another person’s life so close, and then—in a day, as was the case with college drop-off—to let loose the invisible string that connects you to a human who was once connected by an actual cord inside your body. Over the past year, yes, when solicited I have offered Laurel my thoughts on both the basic and more abstract, but I always couch my commentary with something like, “That’s just my perspective. Ultimately you know the situation best, and how you do it is up to you.”
Once I arrived on campus, in Laurel’s new home city, I realized that for the first time in my traveling life, I didn’t do the things I always do in advance—lessons imprinted on me by own parents, who taught me to assume that anyone could be a mugger and so you should always keep your eyes up and look like you know where you are going. For example, I check maps to plot walking routes in the context of a city’s layout and major landmarks, identify food options, and study public transit schedules, routes, and station locations.
But this visit was different. I was on Laurel’s turf. She was the one with the experience to lead. And so I stepped—with delight—into the role of the follower.
Throughout our meanderings around campus and the largest city in the United States, I said at least a half dozen times with a smile, “You lead. I’ll follow.”
Show me your favorite campus food spots.
Do you buy your train tickets at a station console or do you use an app?
Which way do we turn out of the terminal?
Where’s your favorite food stall in Koreatown?
Is there an HMART nearby?
How do we get to the High Line?
How do we get back to the train station from here?
Where’s your favorite restaurant in this neighborhood?
I don’t know if Laurel felt it, but to me, it was a wondrous yet quiet shift. It was astounding to think of how different the scene in front of her dorm looked less than nine months prior—tears and worry and uncertainty now replaced by joy and excitement and confidence.
I suppose I need to wait and see how I feel in the fall, but right this second my second-semester ache feels like it has shifted to sophomore delight.
Keep leading. Keep trusting. Keep loving.
Following is in your future.
P.S. If you want more insight into what the long game of parenting looks like, be sure to subscribe to my boo
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This is beautiful. Trust can be so hard to find at times, because it can feel like letting something precious go into freefall. Trust is the opposite of control, even loving control...that instinctual desire to keep them safe. Trust is love + letting go. It's the hardest and most beautiful thing, and I too have felt that awe. Also: thank you for the shoutout.
Thank you for this beautiful essay! I was an exchange student in Japan during high school, and when my parents came to visit mid-way through the year, my Dad kept saying, “you’ve turned into the parent!” I was the one leading them, showing them how things worked, and interpreting for them wherever we went. It was a wonderful bonding experience and now decades later, my parents and I are still very close. Good job letting your daughter lead!