Smashing the patriarchy at home, 5 minutes at a time
Life skills are essential to being in relationship with other humans
I have interviewed a lot of amazing people for Edit Your Life and read a lot of books to prep for guest interviews, and I’m not sure I have ever gotten so fired up and laughed so hard as when I read
’s book, Mama Needs a Minute!For me, there’s a special magic in artists who create pieces that are visually appealing while also being accessible and effective in their ability to communicate about tough subject matter. I felt this way when I first learned about Danielle Coke Balfour. Danielle advocates for justice and tackles challenging topics through gorgeous illustrations and a lens of hope and love. Definitely give this conversation a listen:
Mary Catherine’s work hit me much like Danielle’s and yet, after reading Mary Catherine’s book and recording this episode with her, I wondered why I was even further fired up about her work. The most obvious explanation is that while yes, her broader justice-related artwork addresses critical issues through creativity, her artistic commentary about parenting hit a palpable nerve because we as humans are egocentric by nature and, well, I am a mom. (Follow Mary Catherine on Instagram and on Substack at Momlife Comics: This Is Personal for the full experience.)
And whether it is in your home, in the workplace, in the news, or in your neighborhood, if you are a mom you are surely experiencing touchpoints with patriarchal BS each and every day.
A central theme in Mary Catherine’s work focuses on gender inequities in parenting and the absurd mental and logistical load differences in heterosexual households. Our conversation made me think about how the work of dismantling the patriarchy in one’s home doesn’t just involve the parents, it involves the kids. Why? Because when kids learn and mirror the gendered assumption of mom as the backstop for all of the things, that not only impacts the family system in the immediate—it also will very likely impact the next generation, and the one after that, and the one after that.
SIDEBAR: Another good companion episode to listen to in this vein is my conversation with
, in which she calls out the BS that is the excuse, “You’re just better at [insert chore] than I am,” and offers simple language to help break down that learned behavior. All the applause, Amy!And so, I want to make a recommendation for something to prioritize this summer.
About seven years ago, as part of our podcast work, and also because we believe in the power of teaching your kids “move out skills,”
and I thought it would be fun to challenge ourselves to come up with 100 life skills to teach your kids in 5 minutes or less. I went on to design the 100 ideas into a graphic and companion PDF and it went viral. Most people responded, “OMG HELL YES THANK YOU I NEEDED THIS,” and there were some who commented, “These are so easy, if your kid can’t do them there is something wrong.” And both things are the point—though I’m not wild about the implied shaming of the latter. These 100 things are pretty damned easy, a lot of kids are not doing them, and sometimes it helps to have the ideas laid out on paper to help you figure out how to get started.So, here is my recommendation. And yes, I know that if you are a mom reading this, you may be thinking, “WTH are you asking me to do another thing? You are adding to my mental load!” I hear that and the reality is that if you are being shouldered with a disproportionate amount of domestic labor no one else is going to complain about it or work to change the situation because it works out great that you are doing all the things. So, if you are partnered, I recommend that you take a preliminary step in dismantling the patriarchy by sharing this post with your partner and communicating that: A) It is really important that we raise our kid(s) to be a functional human being—both for their benefit and also so they learn that being part of a family system means everyone helps; B) We need to present this message together so we are not further perpetuating “Nagging Mom” vs. “Fun Dad” patriarchal BS.
After you have had that conversation, here’s what is next:
Print the PDF and hang it on your refrigerator or some central location in your home.
As a family talk about how a household is a family system, which means no one person should shoulder a disproportionate amount of the work. (Consider adding something along the lines of, “Families that dismantle the patriarchy together stay together!”)
Challenge your kids to see how many of these items they can check off this summer. If your kid already knows how to do certain tasks, they can check them off after they do the task. If you experience resistance, remind them about the aforementioned family system reality, and that by learning to be a functional human being, they will also learn how to experience the world and ultimately be a more desirable friend/colleague/spouse/etc. *NOTE: This is not an overstatement. If you are an adult who has ever been pissed off about a friend who expects you to do the adulting for them, or a colleague who always drinks the last of the coffee and never puts on a fresh pot, or a spouse who assumes laundry is your job, then you can see why life skills are essential to being in relationship with other human beings.
Let me know if your kids blow through this list in a hurry. Maybe I’ll come up with a varsity version!
Meanwhile, I wanted to share one of my very favorite chore-related pictures. Back in 2019, when Violet was 8 years old, I suggested that she be in charge of refilling the bathroom with toilet paper. I actually think she was just fulfilling the task in earnest, but it is entirely possible that she was trolling me with what has become her signature TP tower stack. I love it so much.
Related, if you have ever been annoyed to find yourself on the toilet with all the toilet paper depleted, you can see why life skills are essential to being in relationship with other humans.
Thank you again for having me on (and for the kind words!). Also, I just printed out this list and am going to make it a summer project with the kids—to tackle everything on here that's age-appropriate for an 8 and 5 yo! You're THE BEST and I'm so glad we've connected. xo
That list!!! Thanks for the reminder. That was an amazing moment, and mostly brought about by you.