Teen goals
Some of the characteristics I feel matter the most
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I have teens on my mind pretty much all the time given that Violet and Laurel are now 13 and 19. And around this time of year I feel my compassion for high schoolers kick up several notches given that we are in the Season of Judgment, otherwise known as college responses and announcements; not to mentioned the related and erroneous assumption that college is the “best” path after high school.
The messages I received as a teenager all fell in the same achievement-oriented bucket: high grades and board scores were the goal, the Ivy League was the end all be all, and—perhaps most egregious—where you were accepted and where you attended were indicative of your worth. These messages have only intensified in the years since, compounded by the pressure of pursuing extracurriculars to fortify one’s application and the ever growing equity gulf between those who can or cannot afford advantages that improve metrics, resumes, and chances of admission.
Based on the aforementioned learned messages and standards, I was a loser. My grades were mediocre (except in music class) and my SATs were similar. I didn’t bother applying to Ivy League schools given my grades and board scores. And I was rejected from almost everywhere I applied.
It took time and intentional steps to understand and disrupt my learned narratives about self-worth. As a parent, I have found that time and intention is also required to change the narrative—to communicate that life is about the process not the product. It’s squishy, long-game stuff, though, compared to metrics, and I imagine that for every one moment I communicate to my kids that their grades are not what define them, there are a dozen other moments reinforcing the opposite.
I’m not going to give up, though—especially after what I witnessed during spring break.
A couple of weeks ago we welcomed two of Laurel’s friends from college for part of spring break. Our home layout isn’t ideal for visitors and there was the matter of our excitable poodle, but these logistics worked out better than we expected. My favorite thing was all the little communication touchpoints. We had many conversations over many meals—I felt immense joy feeding these kids!—and while we chatted a little about how their classes were panning out, most of our conversations centered on city adventures, international travel, family, dogs, personal interests, and how they enjoyed spending their time outside of classes.
After dropping the trio off at South Station at the end of the visit, I was struck by the descriptors that ran through my mind as I thought about our many little touchpoints:
Adventurous
Brave
Caring
Confident
Creative
Funny
Kind
Playful
Respectful
Steady
Thoughtful
Trustworthy
You might notice that none of these things have anything to do with metrics or accolades or the things that teens are often evaluated on; or worse, the false negative narratives to which teens are subject. Instead, I was so taken by how they showed up as human beings, and also their “soft skills”—the relational capacity that made them fun to be around and welcome in my home anytime.
I encourage you to reflect on how you talk to or about teens. For example, instead of focusing on accolades or accomplishments or metrics, find out what’s lighting them up as human beings. Instead of pushing them to be who you wish they would be, support them for who they are. Instead of making negative generalizations based on a singular incident, think about where a kid shines and encourage them a step in that direction. And if you are in a tough season with your teen, know that you are not alone, give yourself some grace, and think about how to orient around progress in the long game.
We have the capacity to do a lot better; to anchor in reality and compassion as we support human development. I am excited to continue cheering this generation on.
P.S. If you’d like further detailing of my perspectives about college, I recommend you read my Boston Globe Magazine essay, College rejection season doesn’t have to hurt this much, and listen to this episode, College Application Reality Check.
P.P.S. For more on how you can support teens to thrive as multidimensional humans, listen to this conversation with the wonderful Ellen Galinsky.