The power of six-month intervals

The long game is where it’s at

In an article I wrote for CNN—5 ways to support tweens’ and teens’ developing brains—the brilliant Dr. Tina Payne Bryson (no joke, follow her in all the places and buy all of her books) said something that stopped me in my tracks. We were talking about brain plasticity and the reality that adolescent brains aren’t finished developing until their 20s. This fact daunts many parents, but Tina pointed out that the long runway of brain development means that parents and caregivers can have a profound impact on how a kid’s adult brain gets wired. Here’s an excerpt from the article (and listen to this episode for further genius advice from Tina):

Since the teen years follow the first three years of life in terms of brain plasticity, it’s a window where repeated experiences and opportunities for teaching and skill-building matter tremendously, Bryson said in an email. “Be intentional, especially about the kind of quality relational experiences they have with positive supportive adults.”

Given how much repetition over time matters, Bryson also recommended not judging adolescents based on what happens in a day, week or month. Instead, think about their progress over time and consider, “Are they more mature and responsible than they were six months ago?”

The advice about reframing the timeline reminded me of food advice I adopted when my kids were little: the goal is to shoot for decent nutritional representation, say, across a week, versus trying to make every day perfect—the latter of which, as anyone with a toddler knows, is an exercise in continual self-flagellation.

But until that interview with Tina, I hadn’t thought about extending that same type of grace to other realms of parenting. Or to my own life. It makes so much sense; an incredible amount of shift and growth can happen in six months. 

Six months ago, on May 2, 2023, I shared the post trust is hard and necessary, in which I wrote about the strange awe of parenting a college first-year who still needs you in so many ways while they are also out stretching their wings in ways that can feel terrifying. At that point Laurel was training to become an EMT and part of the program involved a 12-hour shift on an actual New York ambulance crew. In that post you can read about the many things I was fretting about—all of which were out of my control.

Laurel did, in fact, survive that shift and since that time has hit various milestones that are all reasonable while filling me with moments of awe. She finished her freshman year. She worked at a DNA sequencing lab over the summer. She launched into her sophomore year with gusto and ambition. She has flourished in a new living arrangement. She trained to become a driver for the campus emergency medical service and then to drive the campus shuttle so she could earn some spending cash. She has leveled up her life skills. She started shadowing a doctor in Manhattan. And while doing this she has managed to stay loving and connected with her sister and with us.

Throughout various decision points since leaving for college, we have had many moments where Laurel has asked for my advice. In the past six months in particular, as I have unwound my own worry and leaned in to trusting, I noticed my communication changing. Instead of urging her to consider what I thought was a good course of action, I found myself starting with, “You need to make the decision that feels right to you,” and then offering my opinion, just as an option from my distanced perspective 200+ miles away.

One of my great delights has been bearing witness to her considerations and decision making; to encourage listening to the gut and instinct; to see the wobbles, fits and starts, course corrections—all of which matter more to me than the end result.

And here’s a beautiful, full-circle example of relishing the long game. It is related to my May fretting over her 12-hour ambulance crew stint. 

A few weeks back, Laurel told me she had an opportunity to work as an EMT for the New York City Marathon that occurred this past Sunday. Six months ago I imagine I would have been panicky about any number of things, including my memories of the Boston Marathon bombing. Instead, I felt excited for her to have an opportunity to help and be part of a historic, community event. She worked a very long day on Sunday, about 13 hours start to finish. I didn’t worry about her at all that day, though we did text updates to one another a few times. Afterwards, I delighted in hearing her relay events of the day and feeling her excitement about being helpful, working in tandem with one of her close friends, and feeling the energy of the city.

Embrace those six month intervals. A lot of magic can happen in that time.

Laurel and her friend Aria, still full of energy after a long day’s work.

I’m grateful to Laurel’s friend Aria for sending these photos to me. Both Aria and Laurel consented to me sharing them.