Who is your adulting muse?
Feel free to garner inspiration from these two incredible people
A few weeks ago a friend told me that I’m lucky. We were talking about the challenges of being high-level professionals who don’t fit into singular boxes given our diverse range of skills (#professionalmisfitsFTW) and how with professional experience comes ageism in the sense that in order for middle-aged women to be more desirable candidates, they need to look younger—or at the very least, women are made to feel that way.
This is, of course, very real and very stupid patriarchal bullshit. And I know I benefit somewhat from this bullshit given the Asian aging process. This comic is not far afield from reality:
Here are three visuals to line up against this cartoon:
First, it is the case that I am almost 50 and have maybe four gray hairs and not much in the way of wrinkles. Here’s the most recent selfie on my phone, from five days ago—no filter, though I am not barefaced. I am sporting what I call “lazy summer makeup”—just a thin sweep of foundation + lip stain, applied in about 20 seconds.
Second, not long ago I found this photo of my maternal grandmother and mom amidst my shoeboxes of photos. I think I snapped this picture about 30 years ago, which would put my mom around 56 years and my grandmother around 80 years. (Neither of these women dye/dyed their hair.)
Third, for height scale, here is a picture of my grandmother in 2000, at age 87. I am not a giant—on an excellent posture day, I measure 5 feet, 5 inches tall.
I mean, AGH, how freaking cute are my mom and grandmother?!
Indeed, they both have aged with grace and adorableness, though looks aside, I have been thinking about these two women a lot as I approach my next decade. Here are some of their qualities to which I aspire.
Bravery. My mom and grandmother were the ultimate “women behind the men”—the beating hearts of their families and the people who got shit done, often behind the scenes. For example:
My grandmother was pivotal in starting the Boston area chapter of her church. Before the church had an official space, she used to gather people to worship in her small apartment. My grandparents’ apartment was in a tough neighborhood and I was always in awe of how my grandmother held her head high as she went about her business. My mom did the same whenever we visited, which made me feel safe.
My mom’s path has been punctuated with bravery pretty much since childhood, which I came to understand with further depth when I interviewed her for my podcast. I will treasure this recording forever. I hope you listen to it. And starting from my own childhood and well into adulthood, I have seen so many stripes of her bravery as she has stood up for the people and things in which she believes.
Unconditional acceptance. Koreans are plenty judgmental but age does soften things. There are two pivotal moments of unconditional acceptance I experienced with my grandmother and mom that meant so much to me.
When Jon and I first got together my dad did not make it easy. He was still hell bent on the idea that all of his children would marry Koreans even though we knew no Koreans outside our family, having grown up in a predominantly white community and attended predominantly white colleges. Amidst this tension, my grandmother welcomed Jon into the house with her smiling eyes and waving hands. It was such a huge relief and I remember thinking even back then, this is how I want to show up to welcome people.
When I decided to leave academia, I braced myself for a conversation with my mom that I anticipated would include a lecture about giving up a prestigious career right before the ultimate goal of becoming a college professor. Color me shocked when instead, my mom said, “I just want you to be happy.” My dad had died not long before that and her perspective had shifted; I was so grateful for her support at that time of deep stress and uncertainty.
Lightness. This is harder to quantify but there is a lightness that my mom carries and my grandmother carried that is so wonderful. It’s not that they don’t see or acknowledge the darkness of the world; instead, their lens was and is on the immediate and not losing sight of the small, good things happening in front of them. I have made a lot of progress in this department and continue to orient towards lightness.
Direct sauce. I never was able to have a verbal conversation with my grandmother since I did not speak Korean and she did not speak English, but my mom and I have made up for that and then some over the years. One of the great joys in my life is how direct she is, even if it means I am made well aware of the fact that she may ditch me if a better social offer comes up. Here is a conversation from five years ago that still cracks me up.
Curiosity. My mom’s curiosity, detailed in the above podcast, is truly inspirational.
Love for food. From early on, whether it was my grandmother’s “eggies” or any number of dishes my mom made, these women instilled in me a love for culinary experimentation and the joy of showing love for, or connecting with, people over good food.
A focus on holistic health. I talk about my mom as my holistic wellness muse in this mini-episode. She will turn 87 this month and is my model for how to live life.
Finally, a funny thing. A few months ago, I wrote about what I was striving for next, and how leaning into the Korean ajumma (definition: married or middle aged woman) vibes with a big ass straw visor was part of how I was manifesting more moments of slowness in my life. And then last month I came across a photo I snapped of my mom from 2005, at age 69, wearing a big ass straw hat. Big thanks to Violet for helping me recreate this photo. I just talked to my mom this morning and sent this photo; she is going to try on my visor and if she likes it, I’m going to get her one for her birthday!
I would love to hear if you have an adulting muse in your life, or a quality to which you aspire. Feel free to garner inspiration from my two favorite matriarchs.
You know I love all of your pieces and I found this one particularly resonant. My relationship with my mom was filled with love and I admired her so, but it was also loaded with mother-daughter BS and I often find it difficult to remember these little nuggets, even now when she has been gone for more than a year and I should stop focusing on the crap, right? Thank you for inspiring me to try and forgive the nonsense and focus on the good stuff. So much of who I have become is because of her influence and I am forever grateful for that.