The gift of unstructured time
Thoughts on planning less (from someone who is great at planning)
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Prior to this past weekend, my last couple of visits to New York have been wonderful, and also very agenda driven. The first of these two trips was May 2024, when my sister Stephanie, Violet, and I met up with Laurel to enjoy a spectacular weekend in the city. The trip was amazing and given the nature of our plans (e.g., Broadway shows, high tea), there was an agenda and a lot of necessary time awareness and transit calculations. The second of these trips was August 2024, when I moved Laurel into her new apartment in advance of her junior year. While our main agenda item was the move-in itself, this whirlwind 24 hours involved so much necessary doing (e.g., moving in, cleaning, shopping for last minute apartment needs and groceries, etc.) that I didn’t even step onto campus.
Whether for everyday life or work, I am great at planning. My itineraries and event run of shows are legendary, but this past weekend I was all about soaking in the gift of unstructured time. Because Laurel is staying in her apartment for a second year, it means that we do not need to do the frantic spring move-out/fall move-in that is typically associated with a change in school year. So in lieu of a move-out visit, we decided that it would be fun for me to pop down for a purely recreational visit via train.
Laurel and I are very similar. We’re both great at planning, we live by our Google calendars, and we love getting shit done. She has also been pushing extra hard this semester in a variety of dimensions, and while my life generally is more balanced, the last few weeks I have been dealing with a series of aggravations that have left me wanting to turn in my adulting card. So, other than a few meal reservations—through which I was able to sample some of Laurel and her friends’ favorite spots—and me needing to remember to make my way to Amtrak, we agreed to make no plans and embrace a fluid approach to the weekend.
It was pure magic.
Here is what unfolded thanks to being intentional about unstructured time. I hope this sparks some ideas for how you might be able to plan less in service of doing what feels fun in the moment.
1. Moments of delight on campus
I timed my arrival with the end of Laurel’s last final exam, which felt so celebratory. The weather wasn’t great on Friday—spitting rain following a torrential downpour—but I am a minimalist packer and traveled for the weekend with just a tote bag. This made it easy for us to do a lovely wander around campus, which I hadn’t seen since moving Laurel in to her sophomore year dorm. It was especially meaningful to see the EMS office where Laurel spends an extraordinary amount of hours, plus the interior of one of the ambulances she drives. It also turned out that I was able to meet one of her professors, which was lovely. I felt a tug of joy and pride seeing Laurel interact with her professor since there was a clear feeling of mutual respect and appreciation, and since she was delivering a handwritten note and token of gratitude to thank this person for writing recommendation letters. OMG please encourage the life skill that is writing thank-you notes. It is so meaningful.
2. Hang time with wonderful college kids
After our campus visit, we headed back to Laurel’s apartment and had a few hours of unstructured time before heading out for dinner. Not only did I get to enjoy a delicious lunch that Laurel prepared, but I also got to hang out with two of Laurel’s roommates, one of whom made me an incredible lavender latte (honestly, what is this life?!). Sitting in their apartment feeling the ease, care, and fun of these relationships was such a joy. Knowing that your kid is living formative years with wonderful humans is a huge gift. My heart was so full.
3. The opportunity to wander on foot
On Saturday we were flexible other than our brunch and dinner reservations, and Laurel and I leaned in to a wandering, play it by ear mentality. We took the train to Chinatown in the morning, and over dim sum decided that it would be fun to see something new together. We decided to check out Little Island, and after dim sum opted to skip the train and wander from Chinatown through Little Italy, Nolita, SoHo, Washington Square Park, Greenwich Village, and West Village before reaching Little Island, which was spectacular.
The weather was gorgeous and we both still had energy after our Little Island visit, so we decided to keep wandering, popping in and out of stores and enjoying a stop for coffee/lemonade as we made our way through Chelsea, Flatiron District, NoMad, and Murray Hill, ultimately landing at our early dinner near Grand Central. When we made it back to Laurel’s apartment that evening, she reported that we clocked 19,639 steps. I totally attribute my ability to walk this much in a day—I started in comfy flats, then switched to my OOFOS flip flops—to my current practices to manifest an active physical life.
4. Wandering conversation
One of the great gifts of having a weekend of unstructured time is lots of wandering conversation. On Saturday by the end of the day Laurel and I realized we had talked pretty much nonstop for 14 hours. LOL. We covered everything from relationship dynamics, to urban planning, to adulting, to social and professional quandaries, to family, to routines, to meal prep, to inequities in higher education, to careers. Hanging with adult children is the coolest.
5. Comfy cozy time
Though New York obviously is ripe with nightlife opportunities, leaving our time unstructured allowed us to tune into what we wanted to do in the moment. And on both Friday and Saturday night, after dinner reservations we were thrilled to get back to Laurel’s apartment to get cozy and hang out. I was delighted to see another one of Laurel’s dear friends (who spent time with us in Boston last year), and we even had time to watch a couple of Grey’s Anatomy re-runs, which sounds basic but is totally special when you are usually running around on a schedule getting things done.
It was a huge privilege to travel to see my kid and enjoy an unstructured weekend, and it’s also super unusual for me to take time away for pure recreation. I clearly need to do it more often.
A few final notes
If you have the flexibility to book travel so as to allow for your typical routines to remain intact, do it! Former Christine would have booked the first Amtrak out of Boston on Friday morning, but I decided to arrange travel so that I could still enjoy my usual morning coffee and breakfast and help get Violet out the door to school before heading to South Station. Similarly, booking a return trip that was in the morning (but in plenty of time so I could get a full night’s sleep), while still allowing me to get back in order to have a relaxed afternoon with Jon and Violet was wonderful.
Though we both appreciate public transit tremendously, Laurel and I both noted how wonderful it was to walk so much. One of the things I love about New York City is that diversity and creativity and personality lies on every corner, and we were able to soak that in by wandering through so many neighborhoods.
Last year I wrote a post about the beauty of stepping into the role of follower and letting kids lead. It was really fun to see Laurel’s comfort navigating the city in real time.
As the person who is usually snapping the family pictures, it’s always a little surprising to look at myself through someone else’s lens. I smiled when I saw this picture that Laurel snapped; I love that she sees a very happy, relaxed face smiling back at her when we’re together.
What a lovely experience! Your writing about this even gives off a relaxed vibe! And hanging with twenty-somethings definitely keeps you young!
As a chronic clock watcher and meticulous planner, I really needed to hear this! I’m a respite worker for a young man with autism. He tends to live a very timeless life. I always say (with more than a little frustration) that he lives in his own personal time zone 😂. But yesterday was the nicest day we’ve had so far. Wall to wall sunshine and 80 degrees with barely any humidity. I said, “let’s go for a walk and get the stink blown off of us!” No agenda, no hurry ups from me, just being present with him. We looked at birds and bugs and pine cones. It was heavenly!
That rain on Friday was no joke - I moved my daughter out in it. She moves to an apartment in a couple of weeks and I look forward to just going to visit the next 3 years instead of the hustle and bustle of moving her in and out. Sounds like a lovely weekend.